I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
listen closely
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies