“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
You Might Also Like
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
just make the entire table out of coaster
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Spell check is for lasers.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.