“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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Bill is short for Billiam
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.