ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You look like you would fail a DNA test
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!