My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.