Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
This is me 🤣🤣
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO