ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My first child will be named New Folder.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Stop making fast and furious movies.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember