You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.