Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality