“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.