He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Finally!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.