Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.