Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway