Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT