A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.