How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion