Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time