{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.