My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.