If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow