I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes