I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*