why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.