*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.