Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Best table by far
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I will never stop laughing at this
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job