I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?