Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.