Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”