Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.