wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.