16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?