I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.