[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
for all #parents out there
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas