This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.