Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Vodka burrito was a success
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*