I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Great Canadian literature.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours