Go girl power!
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*limbos away from your hug*