I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now