when you don’t want to be too vague
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]