If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti