I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
two people or more is called a problem
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.