Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no