[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
こいつ天才
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I just ran a .003048K
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.