As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.