I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”