WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.