*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Kermit goes Blue.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?