INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
This raises questions
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.