Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way