[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
what day is it?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad